Always make NOW your Happiness
I wrote a real personal email to a friend and I thought I should add it to my blog. After going through it and editing all of the things I didnt' want to put out there publicly. I realized how much I have censored my blog. In a world of unknowns I can't talk freely in my place. That's bad. This email sums my feelings up for my current lifetime and I can't express it here? Well then, I don't feel secure here on this public access, super personal information highway I'm traveling on and I need to find an exit. You got to learn to just BE everywhere you are.
Hi A,
How are you doing this week? I hope very well, in mind, body and spirit. For me, this week has been good considering how things were the last time I emailed you. Over the past couple of months I have been moving towards some conclusions about my life both professionally and personal. I guess I have been struggling with resolutions to some of my problems and I'm in a place were I am okay with not having all the answers right now. I've accepted that fact and it feels good not to be constantly worried. All of this brings me to the point to say that I have not been happy in my personal life. I feel I have moments of joy and happiness, but for the most part its sad. I believe it should be the other way around with a few moments of possible sadness but usually/mostly filled with happiness. I've been struggling for years to find a way to exist amongst my family members and it always gets back to a place were there are bitter feeling, hurt, hatred, jealousy, along with streams of negativity. Since I've moved near home the only person I've been able to talk to about everything going on is my father. So I do find some comfort in that but like I said, I think that, I, just as anyone else deserves to be happy all the time. Right now I can't do that where I am at. All of the negativity, conflicts, and tension are draining me, even though I'm optimistic that things will improve one day.
Do you remember a while ago I said I might have a surprise to share with you? Well, that surprise was that I was thinking of moving to -- so that I could work with my cousin's professor friend whose in my field. To make a long story short it didn't work out with the lady and I actually never heard back from her. I didn't know her or did I get a chance to speak with her so it didn't bother me much that nothing came out of it. Anyway, the idea was that I was thinking of moving. Its been in the back of my mind for a while and now I'm actually going to do it. So I'm moving to --. YEA! I hope your excited for me because I am excited to be moving and living somewhere new. I've never lived out of -- so it will be definitely interesting. My cousin who I love so much, asked me a long time ago if I wanted to move in with her and she said that the offer was always open. So now I'm taking her up on it until I get settled. I know this is like big news. I just got my ticket -- and I'm leaving on --. I have a lot of packing and shipping to do before I leave for --.
To try and help explain things a little better. I want to say that I don't try to compare myself to anyone or anyone's situation, but I always think of how you talk about your house. How you feel about your home and I admire that in you, but I never feel that way. I dont feel apart of the families' house and that distance has been growing bigger and bigger. Now like I said we have two different families and I'm not comparing at all, but I have some ideas of family life and even though mines doesn't fit the mole, I was willing to work on it. I don't want to anymore. I am truly tired and I'm taking a long break. Its become an obstacle/barrier, rather than something I wanted to try an understand more. I have family members that genuinely love me that don't live near me, so I definitely know how that love feels, but I don't find it around me anymore. Its very cold there now and its not an environment that I can to go because its not helping my growth. Sometimes I act just as bad as they do and that really bothers me. I'm surely not trying to blame all the problems in my life on my relationship with my family, but it definitely is significant to the point where I have to do something about it. Removing myself out of their easy visiting range won't solve all of my problems but I think it will definitely give me a peace of mine.
LOL...I know that I'm talking about something serious, but reading this over it sounds like my life is so miserable and its not. I have wonderful people and things in my life, but I'm not always surrounded by that feeling and I'm moving towards trying to always having it like that. Feel happy for me A because I'm not sad anymore. :) Your a great friend and I will just be a little, okay a lot further away, but that won't change anything between us. You have definitely kept me sane through (I will say) the 1st trying time in my life. I believe and have faith that the decision I'm making is good and for the right reasons.
Bare with me, I want to share two more things with you before I let you go which is completely off topic. 1st I made the mashed potatoes out of cauliflower and loved it. It came out so good and I think it might be a permanent substitute for ordinary mash potatoes for me. I made them a long time ago, but forgot to tell you about it. The 2nd thing I wanted to share with you was this book I'm reading. Its called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. A friend told me about it and I'm really enjoying it. Its a guide to spiritual enlightenment and it talks about getting you not to think or dwell on things to much and move to place were your mind is at peace. Of course since I'm constantly thinking of something and never giving my brain a time to rest, trying to practice what this book talks about is hard. I'm working on it and enjoying learning how to free that part of me.
Well that's all for now. I'll definitely be giving you a call soon.
ttyl
XXX
ps...you mentioned that you didn't have time to play the violin right now and all I want to say is that if you really want to play again and if it will add to the joy in your life DO IT. A, I'm realizing and I know you know, that life is to short and we definitely have to continue to do, say, and think thing that make us happy. Always make the time for happiness. The book that I'm reading made a point that I don't think I'll ever forget. The concept was if animals were asking each other what time it was they would always reply NOW. If TIME = NOW, then:
Hi A,
How are you doing this week? I hope very well, in mind, body and spirit. For me, this week has been good considering how things were the last time I emailed you. Over the past couple of months I have been moving towards some conclusions about my life both professionally and personal. I guess I have been struggling with resolutions to some of my problems and I'm in a place were I am okay with not having all the answers right now. I've accepted that fact and it feels good not to be constantly worried. All of this brings me to the point to say that I have not been happy in my personal life. I feel I have moments of joy and happiness, but for the most part its sad. I believe it should be the other way around with a few moments of possible sadness but usually/mostly filled with happiness. I've been struggling for years to find a way to exist amongst my family members and it always gets back to a place were there are bitter feeling, hurt, hatred, jealousy, along with streams of negativity. Since I've moved near home the only person I've been able to talk to about everything going on is my father. So I do find some comfort in that but like I said, I think that, I, just as anyone else deserves to be happy all the time. Right now I can't do that where I am at. All of the negativity, conflicts, and tension are draining me, even though I'm optimistic that things will improve one day.
Do you remember a while ago I said I might have a surprise to share with you? Well, that surprise was that I was thinking of moving to -- so that I could work with my cousin's professor friend whose in my field. To make a long story short it didn't work out with the lady and I actually never heard back from her. I didn't know her or did I get a chance to speak with her so it didn't bother me much that nothing came out of it. Anyway, the idea was that I was thinking of moving. Its been in the back of my mind for a while and now I'm actually going to do it. So I'm moving to --. YEA! I hope your excited for me because I am excited to be moving and living somewhere new. I've never lived out of -- so it will be definitely interesting. My cousin who I love so much, asked me a long time ago if I wanted to move in with her and she said that the offer was always open. So now I'm taking her up on it until I get settled. I know this is like big news. I just got my ticket -- and I'm leaving on --. I have a lot of packing and shipping to do before I leave for --.
To try and help explain things a little better. I want to say that I don't try to compare myself to anyone or anyone's situation, but I always think of how you talk about your house. How you feel about your home and I admire that in you, but I never feel that way. I dont feel apart of the families' house and that distance has been growing bigger and bigger. Now like I said we have two different families and I'm not comparing at all, but I have some ideas of family life and even though mines doesn't fit the mole, I was willing to work on it. I don't want to anymore. I am truly tired and I'm taking a long break. Its become an obstacle/barrier, rather than something I wanted to try an understand more. I have family members that genuinely love me that don't live near me, so I definitely know how that love feels, but I don't find it around me anymore. Its very cold there now and its not an environment that I can to go because its not helping my growth. Sometimes I act just as bad as they do and that really bothers me. I'm surely not trying to blame all the problems in my life on my relationship with my family, but it definitely is significant to the point where I have to do something about it. Removing myself out of their easy visiting range won't solve all of my problems but I think it will definitely give me a peace of mine.
LOL...I know that I'm talking about something serious, but reading this over it sounds like my life is so miserable and its not. I have wonderful people and things in my life, but I'm not always surrounded by that feeling and I'm moving towards trying to always having it like that. Feel happy for me A because I'm not sad anymore. :) Your a great friend and I will just be a little, okay a lot further away, but that won't change anything between us. You have definitely kept me sane through (I will say) the 1st trying time in my life. I believe and have faith that the decision I'm making is good and for the right reasons.
Bare with me, I want to share two more things with you before I let you go which is completely off topic. 1st I made the mashed potatoes out of cauliflower and loved it. It came out so good and I think it might be a permanent substitute for ordinary mash potatoes for me. I made them a long time ago, but forgot to tell you about it. The 2nd thing I wanted to share with you was this book I'm reading. Its called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. A friend told me about it and I'm really enjoying it. Its a guide to spiritual enlightenment and it talks about getting you not to think or dwell on things to much and move to place were your mind is at peace. Of course since I'm constantly thinking of something and never giving my brain a time to rest, trying to practice what this book talks about is hard. I'm working on it and enjoying learning how to free that part of me.
Well that's all for now. I'll definitely be giving you a call soon.
ttyl
XXX
ps...you mentioned that you didn't have time to play the violin right now and all I want to say is that if you really want to play again and if it will add to the joy in your life DO IT. A, I'm realizing and I know you know, that life is to short and we definitely have to continue to do, say, and think thing that make us happy. Always make the time for happiness. The book that I'm reading made a point that I don't think I'll ever forget. The concept was if animals were asking each other what time it was they would always reply NOW. If TIME = NOW, then:
"Always make Now your happiness"
posted by TLO at 5:45 PM
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