Dim Light

A little or maybe I should say a lot more then i currently believe of bright light remains on the wishes that I felt in my heart for the new year. It seems to me that when you return to your predicament that things aren't as clear as previously thought. The optimism that I was bathing in seems a little meek.
When I was writing to a friend I came to the conclusion that I wanted to start documenting events, trifles in my life in more detail. So that when I read it I can re-feel the emotions that I felt at that current movement. I don't know why that has become something of great importance at this time but that's what I'm going to do. Actually it was after watching the Pianist, I had so much raw emotions that I wished I wrote them down. If I was describing the now, I feel like I want to scream and then I don't, to lay down and do nothing and not feel guilty about it. To be in utter listen, not hearing cars pass by, wind or rain, steam being released from the radiator or the pounding sound it makes.
I keep seeing the number 47 throughout my days. Its happen so often I fear to look at the anything and see that number. What does it mean, if anything at all. I have no clue. Maybe a sign of some sorts that I can't make sense of and with all the things on my mind I guess I can think of it as a pleasant distraction, but it seems more like a nuisance. OR still yet maybe its my irritability of living in negativity that has dampen my mood since the new year. See if I had documented my new years weekend, maybe I can live in those feelings for a while. My little place to exist at the height of positivity for my year so far. Worrying has moved from a stabilizer to a destructive part of living that is eating at me and making me feel weak. That is the perfect word to describe how I feel right now.....weak This feeling can be confronted with indulgences, but won't changed until ideally I change. And that in itself is hard. Damn its hard. How do you change who you are? Pick-a-part the things that are not right and fix them. I guess there is irony in the fact I can help others but not myself. I'm so good at that. I can analyze whats wrong and give you a feasible solution. Why not for myself, is the path I conclude not feasible. Why can't I work the magic on the person I need to help the most. Am I selfish for wanting a little bit of it for myself, isn't it mine to have. Maybe its not, only mine to share. Tears fall, but the present state still remains.
~I Love it! No means to an end right now.